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Here is a story that has no business being on Tumblr considering its size, innit.

                                                       David

“I love you, I really do, but I need a family David, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. You know that!” those were the last words Amy had said to him before she closed the door on David and his little suitcase. Infertility had come as a bit of a shock to him, he’d never even considered it a possibility before. He was a healthy, although lightweight, man of six feet two. It was hard enough dealing with the fact that he couldn’t succeed at a basic human practice like reproduction, so he’d kept the news from Amy for as long as he could, he figured it would only make her mother him. Then Amy decided that at thirty-eight years old she was ready for motherhood, and David had to reveal the truth. Amy then decided that at thirty-eight years old she didn’t have time for a lying, infertile thirty-three year old, and she’d given him the boot. David was a secondary school teacher, he chose to get on with his life and take a job somewhere far away from his dirty seaside flat in Hastings, go somewhere a little brighter. He chose Plymouth.

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My Poetry lecturer is the lead singer, he’s fucking cool and so are his band.

<3

<3

HA!

HA!

asks:
http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/Piczo101/tumblr_le3mm6gvmB1qzahuvo1_500.gif

I found this on the interwebz. Look how freaky Cillian looks in real life D:

Jesus fucking Christ, he looks like a ventriloquist doll. That’s horrifying. I still refuse to believe that was anything more than just an off day. He is still my one and only. Well, him and Michael Pitt are my one and onlys.

Quick Christmas Story

Man has christmas with his extended family, and his girlfriend.
The presents he bought for his family were terrible, his girlfriend feels awkward and embarassed.
His mother supplies plenty of alcohol, although she does not drink herself because of heart medication.
Man drinks considerably more than is acceptable at family gatherings.
Man has a sexual encounter with his drunken irresponsible cousin, she is slightly younger.
The encounter is less private than he intended, his girlfriend sees what he has done and storms out.
The family erupt into an argument, the Man’s uncle hits him in the face for touching his daughter.
The daughter claims that the alcohol meant that she wasn’t fully aware of what was happening.
The Man’s brother pushes him to the front door and out onto the street, he says it is for his own good, he is being honest.
The family close the door hard behind him and peer from various locations: letterbox, peephole, gap in curtains, over the back gate, etc.
The weather outside the house is befitting of a story, the Man thought this to himself.
Movies, and one or two books that were compulsory in school, had told him that this was an appropriate time to reevaluate his life.
He walks along the road and begins thinking about the way he lives, he doesn’t really feel bad about any of it, he is that kind of man.
The Man considers going back to the house to try and reconcile with his family, he also considers trying to reach his girlfriend.
He can’t help but think about sex, and alcohol.
He lists the women he knows in the area, and narrows it down to the women that would sleep with him, there are not many.
He stumbles into the road and is hit by a car.
The driver has been drinking and speeds off into the night, leaving the Man alone.
The Man’s spine is crushed and his organs split, he dies in the road.

The Man woke up, he had been sweating.
He was relieved that he had been dreaming, he turned over and kissed his girlfriend.
He couldn’t squeeze her, she was asleep.
In the morning they had sex, and were late to a christmas dinner with the Man’s family.
When they arrived the Man tried his best to make his girlfriend feel comfortable.
His family were abrasive and slightly obnoxious and it was difficult to counteract their effect on his girlfriend.
The Man tried his hardest to be social and by trying to do so drank too much alcohol.
The Man and his girlfriend had been drifting apart over the course of the evening, they were not strong enough as a couple to deal with the situation.
The cousin of the Man was dressed inappropriately and was very drunk, her and the Man had a history that the family did not know about.
They crossed paths in the hallway and because of the level of inebriation they stumbled into a back room and had sex.
The situation erupted, the girlfriend left the house and the family removed the Man from the house.
After being thrown out the Man had a few moments to compose his thoughts, he realised that he had made a huge mistake.
He loved his girlfriend. He had to fix the situation.
He couldn’t get hold of a taxi, no matter how hard he tried. He realised his girlfriend could be anywhere and walking wasn’t an option if he was to find her.
He decided it was worth the risk for him to drive to try and find her, the Man was in a panic.
When he was driving along the road he couldn’t help but focus on his own regret.
He hit a man at fifty miles per hour.
The damage to the car was minimal, there was blood on the windscreen.
He had been drinking, he needed to talk to his girlfriend, he drove away.

My life is exposition.

claimtolame:

By David Shrigley.

claimtolame:

By David Shrigley.